Elon Musk’s Government Gig Ends in Chaos, Ketamine, and a Key to Nowhere
By The Daily Circuit Staff Writer

In an unexpected but not entirely surprising development, Elon Musk, the once-glorified tech titan turned honorary government efficiency czar, has officially exited his role in the Trump administration. His brief four-month stint—which was somehow both underwhelming and spectacularly chaotic—ended with a golden key ceremony, some bruised dignity, and reports of a ketamine-fueled bender that would make Hunter S. Thompson blush.

Appearing on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart masterfully chronicled Musk’s bizarre descent from “space cowboy” to “data-hoarding dad with a drug problem and a black eye.” The segment—equal parts comedy and a cry for help—shined a spotlight on what can only be described as the most baffling short-term government contract in American history.

Let’s start with the basics. Musk was tapped to lead the “Department of Government Efficiency” by former President Donald Trump—a man who considers paying his taxes an act of betrayal. From the outset, the job seemed like a bad joke. After all, asking Elon Musk to cut government waste is like hiring Willy Wonka to run the FDA. And yet, for a fleeting moment, there was hope. That is, until Musk showed up to work with a suitcase full of pills, a chainsaw, and a plan to do… something?

We never really found out.

Stewart opened his monologue by introducing Carole Cadwalladr, a journalist investigating “the tech broligarchy,” warning that humanity is at risk of enslavement by “misanthropic data hoarders.” You know, the usual light fare. And as fate would have it, the poster child of said hoarders was next on the docket: Elon himself.

In Stewart’s words, Musk’s government appointment ended not with a bang, but with a golden key. Literally. Trump, in what can only be described as a ceremony planned in a fever dream, awarded Musk a “special” key he claims to reserve for “very special people,” just before reminding everyone that he’s actually handed out a lot of these keys. Stewart likened the gesture to giving out a participation trophy—except this one came with applause, a national security clearance, and several impending SEC investigations.

But wait, there’s more! Musk’s most headline-grabbing moment wasn’t his policy failures, his tech nonsense, or even his descent into political cosplay. It was the black eye. Yes, the man who once dominated financial markets with a tweet now looked like he lost a bar fight with his toddler.

“I was horsing around with little X,” Musk explained, referring to his son. “I said, go ahead, punch me in the face. And he did.”

Stewart was, understandably, skeptical.

“Who the hell tells their kid to punch them in the face?” he asked, echoing a nation of confused parents. But hey, maybe Musk’s parenting style mirrors his leadership: impulsive, chaotic, and likely under the influence.

That brings us to the real elephant in the room: the drugs. According to a bombshell New York Times report, Musk had been indulging in a daily chemical cocktail of ketamine, ecstasy, Adderall, and psychedelic mushrooms. Not only that—he allegedly traveled with a “daily medication box” containing 20 pills. Stewart rightfully joked, “This dude is a one-man anti-drug campaign,” calling him the human equivalent of a “This is your brain on drugs” PSA.

And yet, through all this, Trump treated Musk like a war hero returning from battle. The golden key, the ceremony, the bizarre camaraderie—it all felt like a fever dream conjured up in the dying embers of a Twitter thread.

But what, exactly, did Musk accomplish during his tenure? That remains as murky as a Mars landing. His primary task was to “cut government waste,” but under Trump’s new term, spending ballooned by $200 billion. Musk’s mission to optimize government became a cautionary tale in futility.

What’s worse, the final image of Musk’s tenure wasn’t some grand technological innovation or fiscal breakthrough. No, it was a visibly broken man giving a half-hearted interview on CBS Sunday Morning. When asked about tariffs and immigration policy, Musk demurred, asking to focus on “spaceships.” It was the verbal equivalent of crawling into a blanket fort and whispering, “Can we just pretend this never happened?”

And maybe we should.

Because Musk’s time in government didn’t just hurt him—it damaged nearly every brand associated with him. Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink—they’ve all seen a dip, both in public perception and stock valuation. Stewart pointed out that Musk spent $300 million to support Trump’s campaign and got… a key. Oh, and a ketamine-induced bladder issue. That too.

The sad irony? Musk likely joined the administration with dreams of being a futuristic savior—a Tony Stark for the state. Instead, he became a punchline, a cautionary tale, and the subject of Inside Edition montages set to ominous synth music.

If there’s a lesson here, it’s this: never send a rocket scientist to do a bureaucrat’s job. Especially one on mushrooms.

So where does Musk go from here? If we’re lucky, back to space. Or at least to a facility that can monitor his ketamine intake. As Stewart joked, “Just a simple boy with a set of Star Wars sheets and pillows… who really just wants to talk about spaceships.”

We all have our dreams.

And while Musk may have crash-landed his short-lived political voyage, there’s still hope he can return to what he does best: making billion-dollar bets on technology most people don’t understand—and somehow, still convincing us to care.

Just… maybe no more keys, please.