From Math Fails to Mashed Potatoes: A Week of World-Class Woes

In a week where math scores in America took a nosedive, a public toilet in San Francisco cost more than some houses, and mashed potatoes became a weapon of protest, it’s fair to say the planet is spiraling toward madness. But don’t worry — we’ve got a new Prime Minister in the UK who’s young, brown, rich, and (apparently) very snackable. Let’s break it all down.

America’s Great Math Meltdown: Blame Angela

According to the National Assessment of Educational Progress, U.S. students have suffered a record drop in math scores, sparking national concern. Most experts blame the COVID-19 pandemic and its disruptions. But let’s be honest: the real culprit is Angela.

Yes, Angela. The straight-A student who keeps covering her paper during tests like she’s guarding the nuclear codes. Look, Angela, we get it — you study. But could you let just one answer slide? Maybe then Timmy wouldn’t think 5 + 2 = 10.

Still, this educational crisis may offer a silver lining — namely, parents can now successfully shortchange their kids on allowance. “$3 for doing the dishes? No, honey, that’s $10.” With math scores where they are, they won’t know the difference.

Toilet Humor Meets San Francisco Budgeting

Next, we head to San Francisco, where city officials made headlines for planning to build a single public toilet for a staggering $1.7 million. You heard that right — for the price of a mansion, the city is building a toilet.

But before you start calculating (if your math skills haven’t been destroyed), this isn’t just any toilet. This bad boy will reportedly come pre-peed on and feature graffiti by Game of Thrones author George R. R. Martin, probably with some dragons and unfinished storylines.

At this price, we assume the toilet will also whisper words of encouragement while you’re in there. “You’re doing great, champ. Push through.”

Sports: Ted Cruz Gets Booed Like a Yankee

Meanwhile, in New York, the Yankees were swept by the Houston Astros, ending their dreams of World Series glory. Adding salt to the wound, Texas Senator Ted Cruz attended the game and was greeted by Yankee fans with the traditional Bronx salute: a chorus of boos and middle fingers.

To be fair, Cruz is no stranger to public scorn. By now, he’s probably immune. In fact, he might think the middle finger is how Americans say “hello.”

“Hi, Senator! [middle finger]”
“Aw, thanks, New York. Love the hospitality.”

Mashed Potato Activism: Monet Gets Saucy

As if things weren’t surreal enough, climate activists took their protest tactics from signs to starches. Mashed potatoes were thrown onto a Monet painting in Germany — the latest in a trend of food-based art vandalism.

Last week, it was tomato soup on a van Gogh. This week, mashed potatoes on Monet. Next week, who knows — a quesadilla on a Picasso?

To be clear, the paintings were protected by glass and suffered no damage. But these food attacks have sparked a big debate: Are they effective?

Let’s be honest. The people ignoring climate change aren’t going to care about impressionist art. Your MAGA uncle who thinks windmills cause cancer isn’t going to shed a tear for “Water Lilies.” If anything, he’s going to say, “Wait, Monet painted flowers? Gay.”

Still, there’s a chance the real victim here is the art. At this rate, Pollock’s paintings — already looking like a food fight aftermath — could be next. And no one will even notice.

The Xi Jinping Shuffle

In international power moves, China’s President Xi Jinping began a historic third term as head of the Communist Party, officially securing his status as the country’s undisputed leader — and Netflix password gatekeeper.

Yes, in China, no one can watch Dahmer without him.

But the real shock came when Xi’s predecessor, Hu Jintao, was dramatically escorted offstage during the Party Congress. Hu looked confused, tried to resist, but Xi sat there like a guy who just “doesn’t know what’s going on.”

The video has since been scrubbed from Chinese media and social platforms — because if there’s one thing dictators hate, it’s going viral for the wrong reasons.

We don’t know whether Hu had a medical episode or whether this was a power play. But based on how awkward it looked, it may as well have been your dad getting kicked out of a TikTok house.

One can only hope that when Joe Biden starts rambling, we can borrow those same mysterious men to gently guide him offstage, too. “OK, Joe, let’s go see Kamala now.”

The Rise of Rishi Sunak: Britain’s Snack PM

Finally, across the pond, Rishi Sunak has officially taken office as the UK’s third Prime Minister in less than two months, following the spectacular implosion of lettuce impersonator Liz Truss.

Sunak checks a lot of firsts: first Prime Minister of color, first Hindu, and youngest in over 200 years. But more importantly, he’s the first PM to be described by millennials as “an absolute snack.”

Seriously, the man has cheekbones sharp enough to cut through Britain’s class divide.

Of course, not everyone’s thrilled. Some critics point to his privileged background and immense wealth — reportedly richer than the royal family. But hey, Britain’s had enough of poor, boring prime ministers. Let’s try rich and hot for once.

And let’s face it, after Boris Johnson and Liz Truss, the bar is low enough to trip over.

Conclusion: Is This the End or Just Tuesday?

Between failing schools, overpriced toilets, mashed potato protests, Chinese coups, and Prime Ministers who moonlight as male models, it’s safe to say that reality is now indistinguishable from satire.

Maybe we’ve reached a point where nothing makes sense, and the world is just a simulation glitching hard. Or maybe this is just a regular Tuesday in the 2020s.

Either way, next time you’re in a museum, hold on to your lunch — and your math book. We might just need both.